By Kevin Ahern
EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE
Rubbish is stuff you throw away
Stuff is the rubbish you keep
Everything is relative
It just depends on the heap
— Tuesday, September 1, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
LAST WORDS
From the Donner party
We know why John is dead
When asked his nationality
“I’m Danish,” he said
— Wednesday, September 2, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
GENETIC EXPRESSION
Obesity is coded
In your DNA like that
So yes, I guess it’s true
Those genes do make you look fat
— Thursday, September 3, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
TRAVEL LAGS
Although I have traveled
Hither and yon
I haven’t been to as many places
As my luggage has gone
— Friday, September 4, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
OUT OF HER LEAGUE
God is making pounding sounds
With his mighty fists
Apparently he’s in love with an atheist
Who doesn’t even know he exists
— Saturday, September 5, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
VERSA VICE
The person who solicited sex
Will soon be doing penance
By ending a proposition
With a sentence
— Tuesday, September 8, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
No marriage ends well
I’ll say to my last breath
Half of them end in divorce
And the other half in death
— Wednesday, September 9, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
SOUND ADVICE
Advice for potential parents
Before the deed is done –
If you want to sleep like a baby
Don’t have one
— Thursday, September 10, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
SOLD SEPARATELY
I think that was a lousy
Thing you did
Gift wrapping two batteries
With a note, “Toy not included”
— Friday, September 11, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
THE FAUX SIDE
So many warnings everywhere
It really drives me nuts
Today I couldn’t believe one said
“This comic strip may contain Peanuts”
— Saturday, September 12, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
UP TODAY
Facebook addicts
All promote
Maintenance of
The status quote
— Tuesday, September 15, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
MIXED MESSAGE
The proprietor was unsure
Whether to worry or ignore
When someone threatened
To blow up her balloon store
— Wednesday, September 16, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
WORD TO THE WHYS
Question after question
Probing the unknown
I’ve come to think my kid was born
With a why chromosome
— Thursday, September 17, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
LIFE SAVINGS
I’m aware time isn’t money
Cuz I went to my ATM once
And tried to take out a year
It said, “Insufficient funds”
— Friday, September 18, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
POSSESSED
“He thinks everything is his,”
I declared of my greedy friend
Then, as if to prove me right,
“Welcome to my world,” he said
— Saturday, September 19, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
MORE OR LESS CORRECT
My teacher asked if I understood inequalities
And I could only guess
So I was surprised she liked my answer,
“More or less”
— Tuesday, September 22, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
IN LABOR
Employment was falling at the docks
Things weren’t going great
And so the longshoreman’s union
Tried to increase the berth rate
— Wednesday, September 23, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
OUT WEST
A group of singers from our town
Is known in this locale
As being very average
They’re our OK Chorale
— Thursday, September 24, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
DEAD IN THE WATER
The county’s budget deficit
Turns out to be much worse
Our law enforcement’s worried that
They’re cutting coroners
— Friday, September 25, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
WOUND UP
My Apple watch, a lot of fun
I’d say it’s really slick
So far ahead of other ones
It’s purely future wrist tick
— Saturday, September 26, 2026
By Kevin Ahern
COLD SHOULDER
The snowman they call Frosty
Is grinning with delight
Because he met a snowgirl
It was love at frostbite