By Kevin Ahern
Rumble Europe and Asia went to war Because each one was miffed The pundits all described it as A continental rift Spicy The salt and pepper both agreed And here’s my take upon it No need to sign a document They both should just shake on it
— Saturday, Oct. 1, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Limited Offer A sign I saw Made me say “Wow” It said “To be a thespian” “You must act now” Clean Cut Guy The guillotine operator Takes his orders From the place they call Headquarters
— Monday, Oct. 3, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
The Solution To give your car A chemical sheen You’re gonna need Mercedes Benzene Untweetable My bird is dead Not a peep Now for sale Won’t go cheep
— Tuesday, Oct. 4, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Argggh A pirate and woman fell in love Don’t ask, I don’t know why It didn’t last too long because They did not see aye to eye Male Order King Arthur’s knights were picky Their clothing, I contend Was something that they purchased From their favorite store — Lance End
— Wednesday, Oct. 5, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Tipping the Scales 40 pounds of skin, I’m told I’ll shed while getting older Well that’s good news because it is A big weight off my shoulders Letting Down my Gourd I’m not a conversationalist I do not scream and shout When Halloween arrives each year I need pumpkin to talk about
— Thursday, Oct. 6, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Off the Leash I sought to learn of hunting dogs Just how much do they weigh? That is the reason I picked up Some pointers yesterday Oh Dandy Boy Genghis Khan’s half brother An Irish paragon Was someone people wouldn’t touch They called him Leper Khan
— Friday, Oct. 7, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Boogie Man A snowman in the grocery store To the carrot section goes And makes a scene each time because It’s where he picks his nose Her Peas in a Pod The Jolly Green Giant’s fuming now Upset at his main squeeze Cuz the birthday present she gave him Was a big case of her peas
— Saturday, Oct. 8, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Standing Ovation My students say their favorite lesson I have ever taught ‘em Is that to make it to the top You must get off your bottom Doubles Match Two dice decided they would go To Vegas yesterday It seems they liked the way, you know Of having a roll play
— Monday, Oct. 10, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Hemming and Hawing A needle was asked How his day did go He quietly replied “Pretty much, sew sew” Hard to Ignore At the Jane Goodall reception I felt a sense of doom I don’t know why.Perhaps it was The 800 pound gorilla in the room
— Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Holy Mackerel The angry fisherman Loudly swearing Got taken to court For a herring Good Yolk The egg hatching movie Is really slick I think it’s this year’s Best chick flick
— Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Down Under My book on fixing basements up Is one you can’t resist I guess that’s why it made it to The Times’ best cellars list Dog Paddle Your cocker spaniel likes to swim In water, what a joy! I guess his floating’s why you say That he is a “Good Buoy!”
— Thursday, Oct. 13, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Always Flipping Off “Too much phone use” My doc’s diagnosis Seems I’ve contracted Scrolliosis Tic Tacky A dentist friend Of whom I’m fond Calls his practice “Bad Breath and Beyond”
— Friday, Oct. 14, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Bringing to Light When the invisible man Got hurt, it’s true Docs took him to The ICU Good Words Proper grammar Is heaven sent Too bad its days Have came and went
— Saturday, Oct. 15, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Deep Thoughts Greek philosophers Make me grin Because they always Plato win Lien On Me Property lawyers Have a belief That a land dispute Is a ground beef
— Monday, Oct. 17, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Cleaning Up Here’s a show For Nickelodean “Ocean Janitor — ” “Jacques Cousteudian” Hell Toupee The top of my head Is getting bare Bald spots are appearing Out of thin hair
— Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Novel Problem That author guy May be the brightest He says writer’s cramp Is authoritis Warm Front That heated car seat Must have cost her Cuz it’s a great Rear defroster
— Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Not Pawsible In dance, my dog is terrible This message I repeat His moves are quite unbearable Like he’s got two left feet Last One Romaining The spinach thief has now been caught I heard it from my niece It’s my belief he wasn’t shot Just collard by police
— Thursday, Oct. 20, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Role Playing The play audition accident Broke my arm. I was aghast I had a couple options And both involved a cast Winging It A group of crows is called a murder Not because of laws But rather cuz police have found Numerous probable caws
— Friday, Oct. 21, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Getting Hosed The pantyhose inventor It seems to me Has left behind Quite a leg a see Bird is the Word When Thanksgiving comes I promise - my word At dinner, I’ll give People the bird
— Saturday, Oct. 22, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Coffee Run When Starbucks had No espresso I was sad Quite depresso Stories One female Navy Vet regales Her friends by telling Old Waves’ tales
— Monday, Oct. 24, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Numbers Game Our chicken business went and hired Another new accountant Who warns us, “Don’t hatch your chickens” “Until they’re counted” The Final Frontier Our 3D printer’s working great The stuff it makes is prime I hear it also does 4D If you just give it time
— Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Stained There is a confession I have to make I cannot tell a lie I shot a man with a paintball gun So I could watch him dye Deadly Dip The garbonzo bean dip accident Was reported far and wide The police called one fatality A simple hummus cide
— Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Fruit Solid There is a food fight coming up I hope I can avoid When they throw D’Anjou fruit at me I get quite pear annoyed Getting a Buzz That apiarist working on The hives is no achiever He walks away when spacing out That’s one daydream bee leaver
— Thursday, Oct. 27, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
What Goes Up . . . It may be the height It could be the timing I just know the death rate At Everest is climbing Fact or Fancy And regarding my climbing Of Everest, yup In one way or another I made it up
— Friday, Oct. 28, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Rules are Rules Shakespeare at the library Got feedback rather hard He asked them to reserve a book But they said, “No holds, bard” In Tune Frank Sinatra bought a car When down in Malibu He got it for the license plate 2B2B2
— Saturday, Oct. 29, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Speed Readers Ghosts prefer Their books most thickly Cuz they can go through them Quite quickly Words Myth The editor would like to say Again on this occasion That her work indeed is really such A rewording occupation