By Kevin Ahern
Europe and Asia went to war
Because each one was miffed
The pundits all described it as
A continental rift

The salt and pepper both agreed
And here’s my take upon it
No need to sign a document
They both should just shake on it
Saturday, Oct. 1, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Limited Offer
A sign I saw
Made me say “Wow”
It said “To be a thespian”
“You must act now”

Clean Cut Guy
The guillotine operator
Takes his orders
From the place they call
Monday, Oct. 3, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
The Solution
To give your car
A chemical sheen
You’re gonna need
Mercedes Benzene

My bird is dead
Not a peep
Now for sale
Won’t go cheep
Tuesday, Oct. 4, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
A pirate and woman fell in love
Don’t ask, I don’t know why
It didn’t last too long because
They did not see aye to eye

Male Order
King Arthur’s knights were picky
Their clothing, I contend
Was something that they purchased
From their favorite store — Lance End
Wednesday, Oct. 5, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Tipping the Scales
40 pounds of skin, I’m told
I’ll shed while getting older
Well that’s good news because it is
A big weight off my shoulders

Letting Down my Gourd
I’m not a conversationalist
I do not scream and shout
When Halloween arrives each year
I need pumpkin to talk about
Thursday, Oct. 6, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Off the Leash
I sought to learn of hunting dogs
Just how much do they weigh?
That is the reason I picked up
Some pointers yesterday

Oh Dandy Boy
Genghis Khan’s half brother
An Irish paragon
Was someone people wouldn’t touch
They called him Leper Khan
Friday, Oct. 7, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Boogie Man
A snowman in the grocery store
To the carrot section goes
And makes a scene each time because
It’s where he picks his nose

Her Peas in a Pod
The Jolly Green Giant’s fuming now
Upset at his main squeeze
Cuz the birthday present she gave him
Was a big case of her peas
Saturday, Oct. 8, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Standing Ovation
My students say their favorite lesson
I have ever taught ‘em
Is that to make it to the top
You must get off your bottom

Doubles Match
Two dice decided they would go
To Vegas yesterday
It seems they liked the way, you know
Of having a roll play
Monday, Oct. 10, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Hemming and Hawing
A needle was asked
How his day did go
He quietly replied
“Pretty much, sew sew”

Hard to Ignore
At the Jane Goodall reception
I felt a sense of doom
I don’t know why.Perhaps it was
The 800 pound gorilla in the room
Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Holy Mackerel
The angry fisherman
Loudly swearing
Got taken to court
For a herring

Good Yolk
The egg hatching movie
Is really slick
I think it’s this year’s
Best chick flick
Wednesday, Oct. 12, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Down Under
My book on fixing basements up
Is one you can’t resist
I guess that’s why it made it to
The Times’ best cellars list

Dog Paddle
Your cocker spaniel likes to swim
In water, what a joy!
I guess his floating’s why you say
That he is a “Good Buoy!”
Thursday, Oct. 13, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Always Flipping Off
“Too much phone use”
My doc’s diagnosis
Seems I’ve contracted

Tic Tacky
A dentist friend
Of whom I’m fond
Calls his practice
“Bad Breath and Beyond”
Friday, Oct. 14, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Bringing to Light
When the invisible man
Got hurt, it’s true
Docs took him to

Good Words
Proper grammar
Is heaven sent
Too bad its days
Have came and went
Saturday, Oct. 15, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Deep Thoughts
Greek philosophers
Make me grin
Because they always
Plato win

Lien On Me
Property lawyers
Have a belief
That a land dispute
Is a ground beef
Monday, Oct. 17, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Cleaning Up
Here’s a show
For Nickelodean
“Ocean Janitor — ” 
“Jacques Cousteudian”

Hell Toupee
The top of my head
Is getting bare
Bald spots are appearing 
Out of thin hair
Tuesday, Oct. 18, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Novel Problem
That author guy
May be the brightest
He says writer’s cramp
Is authoritis

Warm Front
That heated car seat
Must have cost her
Cuz it’s a great
Rear defroster
Wednesday, Oct. 19, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Not Pawsible
In dance, my dog is terrible
This message I repeat
His moves are quite unbearable
Like he’s got two left feet

Last One Romaining
The spinach thief has now been caught
I heard it from my niece
It’s my belief he wasn’t shot
Just collard by police
Thursday, Oct. 20, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Role Playing
The play audition accident
Broke my arm. I was aghast
I had a couple options
And both involved a cast

Winging It
A group of crows is called a murder
Not because of laws
But rather cuz police have found
Numerous probable caws
Friday, Oct. 21, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Getting Hosed
The pantyhose inventor
It seems to me
Has left behind 
Quite a leg a see

Bird is the Word
When Thanksgiving comes
I promise - my word
At dinner, I’ll give
People the bird
Saturday, Oct. 22, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Coffee Run
When Starbucks had
No espresso
I was sad
Quite depresso

One female Navy
Vet regales
Her friends by telling
Old Waves’ tales
Monday, Oct. 24, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Numbers Game
Our chicken business went and hired
Another new accountant
Who warns us, “Don’t hatch your chickens”
“Until they’re counted”

The Final Frontier
Our 3D printer’s working great
The stuff it makes is prime
I hear it also does 4D
If you just give it time
Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
There is a confession I have to make
I cannot tell a lie
I shot a man with a paintball gun
So I could watch him dye

Deadly Dip
The garbonzo bean dip accident
Was reported far and wide
The police called one fatality
A simple hummus cide
Wednesday, Oct. 26, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Fruit Solid
There is a food fight coming up
I hope I can avoid
When they throw D’Anjou fruit at me
I get quite pear annoyed

Getting a Buzz
That apiarist working on
The hives is no achiever
He walks away when spacing out
That’s one daydream bee leaver
Thursday, Oct. 27, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
What Goes Up . . . 
It may be the height
It could be the timing
I just know the death rate
At Everest is climbing

Fact or Fancy
And regarding my climbing
Of Everest, yup
In one way or another
I made it up
Friday, Oct. 28, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Rules are Rules
Shakespeare at the library
Got feedback rather hard
He asked them to reserve a book
But they said, “No holds, bard”

In Tune
Frank Sinatra bought a car
When down in Malibu
He got it for the license plate
Saturday, Oct. 29, 2022
By Kevin Ahern
Speed Readers
Ghosts prefer
Their books most thickly
Cuz they can go through them
Quite quickly

Words Myth
The editor would like to say
Again on this occasion
That her work indeed is really such
A rewording occupation
Monday, Oct. 31, 2022